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Unease

03 Oct

I’ve been feeling very insecure lately.  A series of little actions, unspoken words, and restless nights have all contributed to this unease.  As I sit down to write about these feelings, which are just aching to get out, I find myself at a loss for words.  Almost a fear of putting them on paper for worry of them being misinterpreted.  In the past, I was an avid poetry writer (note I did not say good poetry writer, just avid).  It’s been years since I’ve written, but tonight, I find myself thinking of two specific pieces that I wrote that seem to epitomize all I need to say.  So in a spirit of release, in the hopes that it will make me feel better to toss these negative thoughts into the big blogosphere (and in the desperate hope that they do not return to me), here are my thoughts circa 1998.  Funny how timeless feelings can be.

“the presence”

the emptiness of the room envelops me
fills my soul, engulfs my mind
swallows my heart, my feelings
filling me with an alien presence
unlike anything before
restlessness
born of nothing, no definite reason
no explanation
it’s simple presence says more than words
a sly uneasiness creeping into my being
filling me emptying me destroying me healing me
with its abnormal presence.

“Lava”

a never-ending fear of being alone
being second best
not being the fantasy, the one,
the ultimate
builds inside me
the pressure building to a climactic peak
flowing like hot lava inside me
eating me
consuming me
with the need to end, the need to fail,
the need to walk
walk walk walk
ever further away
each step ensuring my first place
my sensuality
my greatness
my aloneness
forever the ultimate.

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11 Comments

Posted by on October 3, 2009 in Poetry

 

11 responses to “Unease

  1. kristy hall

    October 3, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    I think everyone goes through feelings like this. I hope this helped release some of your anxiety. and i thought those were great poems. =)

     
  2. Jessica

    October 3, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    Thanks, girl. I’m feeling a little better now…amazing how it can help to just lay things out there:) By the way, it’s super scary to share poetry, LOL, so I’m glad you liked them:)

     
  3. fuzzycricket

    October 4, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    Why are we so worried about acknowledging our feelings? Of admitting that we are overwhelmed. Or lonely. Or sad. Or worried. Or tired. Your line, “aching to get out…” I know that feeling well. Wanting reassurance but not daring to seem ungrateful.

    Thanks for sharing the poetry. Loved the rhythm and the imagery. What a way to release those pressures in words!

     
    • Jessica

      October 4, 2009 at 5:39 pm

      Good question, Rach. In my specific case, I have a hard time verbalizing my feelings simply because I hate confrontation (with a passion!) and will do anything to avoid it. And since I’m not very good at expressing myself verbally (I’m really good at it on paper or in my head), any attempt at discussing specific topics always ends with someone getting angry. Which his never my intent. Thus the vicious cycle of just keeping it all inside begins yet again. But I’m proud to say that I finally dealt with this topic last night & it went much better than I anticipated, and I feel SO much better!! I slept like a baby:)

       
      • fuzzycricket

        October 5, 2009 at 3:04 pm

        Well, you express yourself beautifully here on the blog. It’s nice to have an outlet. I’m so glad that you have a bit of peace and a good night’s sleep! Good for you, tackling the icky, hard stuff we would all rather avoid. 😉

         
  4. Cyndi

    October 4, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    Beautiful and painful at the same time. We’ve all felt these feelings and I hope your sharing them helped you. It always helps me, although I’m not poetic by any stretch of the imagination! 🙂

     
    • Jessica

      October 4, 2009 at 5:40 pm

      Cyndi: It did help….tremendously…and gave me the oomph I needed to deal with the issue at hand. Thanks, as always, for reading:)

       
  5. Amanda

    October 4, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    Love the poems. I used to write poetry all the time too. I hope you start feeling better soon!

     
    • Jessica

      October 4, 2009 at 5:40 pm

      Thank you! On the opposite side, I ought to share some of my really, really early poems. They are quite humorous, LOL.

       
    • Jessica

      October 5, 2009 at 6:40 pm

      BTW…you should share some of your poetry! I’d love to read it!!

       
      • Amanda

        October 5, 2009 at 6:44 pm

        I think I only have one saved these days. I dont think I have written any poems since I was about 18…since then I have started to write short stories or even a book but then I get frustrated and stop. The poem that I still have used to actually be framed in my room before the redo. I wrote it in middle school and still love it to this day. I took it down during the redo and will put it up in my office/craft room when that gets done next month! I will have to type it up and share it with ya sometime

         

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