The Unthinkable

06 Oct

When did I become such a girl??

Let me provide you with a little background information so that this will make sense.  I’ve never been the most emotional of the female species.  It takes quite a bit for me to cry, and I don’t tend to analyze things.  I usually take what someone says to me at face value.  I don’t like to “talk” about things.  I prefer to pull the covers over my head (both literally and figuratively) than deal with an issue.  There are instances in which I get jealous, and/or my feelings get hurt, but those occurences are few and far between.  I may have been ultra-sensitive at some points in my life, but I can’t recall being so in recent years. 

Now that all that has been explained…it might make more sense to you when I say that for many years I’ve joked that my husband and I are reversed in our personalities–that he is the girl and I’m the man in our relationship.

But recently, something has happened that has made these traits  switch.  And now I suddenly have a  better understanding of where he’ s been coming from all these years when he complains that he doesn’t “feel close” to me, or that we don’t “make love” often enough, or that we never “talk”?  And damn it, I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling all weepy and doubtful and insecure and alone and needy and…well….for lack of a better word…girlie.

Where did Jessica go??? I want her back.  She would totally kick this Jessica’s ass.


Posted by on October 6, 2009 in Girlie, Marriage, Relationships


8 responses to “The Unthinkable

  1. Cyndi

    October 6, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    LOL – no need to dislike the softer side. Maybe there was a little fear of intimacy going on (hiding under the covers) and now you realize intimacy is a good thing when you have a great guy you can trust? Just a guess…I’ve fluctuated between these 2 extremes several times in my life myself. It’s always a little scary when the sappy emotions start to come out. Or….maybe you just need a crazy night out with the girls to remind you what a badass you are…JM concert anywhere? 🙂

    • Jessica

      October 7, 2009 at 10:59 am

      You’ve hit the nail on the head, I think, Cyndi. I’ve never been a fan of making myself vulnerable. Too many times of getting hurt in the past, I guess. And don’t worry, I’m eagerly following JM’s website of tour dates, so as soon as his dates for the new album are released, I will be on that like Donkey Kong!! You’ll probably hear me squeal from here:)

  2. Amanda

    October 6, 2009 at 11:38 pm

    Maybe it was brought about as a good thing. So that you would be able to better relate to where the hubs was coming from. I know I have been in the same spot as you, in more way than one. Sometimes we need to see the other side, we need to feel insecure and vulnerable to remind us of how much we have to lose

    • Jessica

      October 7, 2009 at 11:02 am

      I thought of that as well, Amanda, but God, this feeling sucks!! I was telling Darrell that I can only remember two other times in our relationship that I’ve felt this way, and both were also in October. WTF’s up with that??? I LOVE Fall, and these stupid feelings are not coinciding nicely with my love of the season:) And you are so right in your statement of “…to remind us of how much we have to lose.”. Many of the greatest moments in our relationship have occurred when we’ve hit the point where we almost walked away–and then realized what we had to lose.

  3. fuzzycricket

    October 7, 2009 at 10:52 pm

    Why can’t we women have consistent emotions? I generally pride myself on being independent. Then those insecure feelings well up to the point of embarrassment. It’s not logical. And it sure as heck isn’t comfortable. Talking only makes me feel silly because I sound so needy.

    Like, when I call the hubby while he’s out of town and I hear a woman laugh in the background because he’s at a company dinner. I know there’s nothing to be upset about but, man! That ugly, feminine side wells up. Can’t take it out on the poor guy. Ugh! Mostly it’s because he’s out some place exotic (this week? San Francisco), eating well on someone else’s dime while I’m working on homework with the Sprogs and making spaghetti for dinner.

    I think a girls’ night is definitely in order.

    Or a really ambitious date. Something you wouldn’t normally do together. Feel adventurous and make something new to talk about.

    I’m thinkin’ about you!

  4. Jessica

    October 8, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    *sniff* I teared up when I first read your comment earlier today, Rach. It’s SO good to know someone GETS what I’m saying. And you’ve nailed it when you said “And it sure as heck isn’t comfortable”. It’s miserable. Funky, miserableness, that I know if irrational and not logical and totally undeserved…but yet…
    I love the idea of making something new to talk about. Any ideas???

    • fuzzycricket

      October 9, 2009 at 10:42 am


      There is a really fun card game called “Would You Rather.” We played the advanced instructions with another couple and actually learned new things about everyone involved. Started lots of conversations, lasted for days, laughing about some of the choices. There is also a version for kids called “You Gotta Be Kidding.”

      The other thing we’ve been considering, just to shake up the routine, there is an indoor sky diving place that we want to try. Something new and a little bit scary. *That* should give us something to talk about, LOL!

      Or we cook up a new dish together. For some reason that gets us chatting about inane, silly things.

      Another idea? Making a list of movie quotes, throwing them out at random and yelling, “Name that movie!”

      Another thing we did recently, we went to the local bath/scents shop and each bought a scented wax wafer to melt in a tea light warmer thing. We actually spent 45 minutes smelling, having each other try the scents we like. Bought four and set them melting at home.

      • Jessica

        October 14, 2009 at 8:54 am

        Rach: I’ve been thinking a lot about these suggestions. They are really excellent. I think you’re exactly right in that we need some new common interests. Darrell and I used to play on a pool league together, but it just became to hard to be out that late on a school night. He’s started back into a league this session, and he’s in school two nights a week, but I’m still home with the kiddos. I’m not saying that there’s really anywhere else I’d rather be….but we certainly don’t get much “adult interaction” time.

        I love the idea of the games….especially the kid one. What fun! And sky diving!??? My, oh my…you are a brave one!


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