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26: a mother’s guilt

21 Feb

as is a mother’s love, a mother’s guilt is a force,
a force to fear, waves of tears that will drown you in their saltiness
their sadness impossible to comprehend,
beyond anything that can be put into mere language
memories of frowns and shadowed eyes and harsh words and scarring sentiments
will that be me?  will that be all that I pass on to my loves?  

when they think of me, is that all they will remember?

is that
all?

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8 Comments

Posted by on February 21, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

8 responses to “26: a mother’s guilt

  1. shortmama

    February 22, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    When I start feeling like this I tell myself something….every time I use harsh words, make it up by saying 10 kind words. We are ALL guilty of turning into the mom we dont want to be…but as long as you fill your kids days with more of the mom we know we are, that is the mom they will remember

     
    • Jessica

      February 22, 2010 at 6:25 pm

      Amanda: Thank you so much for that tidbit of advice. It sounds like a wonderful tool to implement, and I certainly plan to try it. A LOT of my angst comes from my childhood relationship with my mother, which I’ve never talked about on here, but maybe I need to do so at some point–just to release it out into the great big void. I never have for fear of hurting my dad. I don’t know that he ever stumbles over to this page since I moved over from blogger anyway:) But again—thank you!

      BTW…I’ve come by your page many times recently, and have been having difficulty leaving comments. As in, it just won’t let me. I thought it might be a problem with my home computer, but I tried from my nice one at work, and it didn’t work there either. But rest assured that I have not abandoned ShortMama!

       
  2. Shae

    February 22, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Sister: Please remember: Forget Regret or Life is yours to miss. As children and as adolescents and even into young adulthood our understanding of things continue to change, even unto death. There is no such thing as a perfect parent/mother. You will make mistakes. There is no litmus to say whether you were good enough or not.

    I will never forget the day that I realized that my parents weren’t only my parents, but were also human. They were husband and wife they were brother and sister they were lover and confidant and they were human. judgements that were perceived as mistakes as a child are seen in the light of adult wisdom and understanding make it all clear.

    You are a good mother. You love your children. You have your children’s best interest in mind and at heart. Your husband chldren and extended family and friends are very blessed to have you in their lives. We NEED you in our lives. Not to be what we need/want, but to just be you with your smile and voice and flaws and laughter and hugs and “ah sugars” and everything. I love you as only a boy owned by a hag could love his hag.

     
    • Jessica

      February 22, 2010 at 6:27 pm

      Shae: As always, my dear friend, you are correct. I have a hard time living by my own self-imposed motto– no day but today. It may be time to pop RENT in the player, once again, and remind myself of what is important in this world.

      And thanks for the giggle….” as only a boy owned by a hag could love his hag”. I would be lost without my best gay:) You put a smile on my face at times when there is often no smile to be found.

       
  3. fuzzycricket

    February 22, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Ah, Jess. You express emotion beautifully. One thing I’ve learned? I apologize. Because I usually seem to let loose an angry barrage every so often that I’m ashamed of. I go right up to my kids, tell them I was wrong. When they got older we started sorting out the feelings that led up to the outburst.

    If nothing else, they learn everybody makes mistakes, but some things can be fixed with an, “I’m sorry.”

    I still think the world of you and admire the work you do for you kids and family.

     
    • Jessica

      February 22, 2010 at 6:41 pm

      Rach: As much as it pains me to even say this, today’s shame & guilt arose from the fact that I yelled so loudly at the kids last night that they covered their ears. They literally cowered in front of me, and I couldn’t even believe the level that I had hit. The look in their eyes will haunt me for a long time to come. As soon as I picked them up today, I told them how I had been thinking of them all day, and that I was very sorry for my behavior. So far, tonight, we seem to be on the right track.

      I also talked to my husband today, and tomorrow evening when he is home, we’re going to have a big family sit-down and discuss what is appropriate behavior, and the consequences that follow if it doesn’t occur. I feel that a lot of our inconsistencies in parenting occur because he dishes out the punishment (which he hates always being the one to do), and then leaves (for class, pool, whatever), and I’m the one left to enforce (which I hate). We must find a balance. But it’s also to important how young the kids are. It’s not like they’re in their teens and acting out—they’re just being kids. I think our combined family history is making us fear behaviors that aren’t even happening—yet. They’ll only be this age once. I need to work harder at remembering that.

       
      • fuzzycricket

        February 22, 2010 at 8:44 pm

        Jess – It’s our job to worry. If we didn’t worry, we wouldn’t care. Balance is always a juggling act. Hang in there!

         
  4. 2kids...3martinis

    February 23, 2010 at 10:04 am

    Oh, Jess.
    I know exactly where you’re at right now. I’ve been there too. All too many times.
    Saying “I’m sorry” goes a long way. I know my parents never said those words to me, and they should have a thousand times. Those are words that heal and let them know that YOU know you made a mistake. Thank God, Jehova, Budda, and whoever you thank that you are the kind of mother who regrets her mistakes and does her best to correct them.
    Fucked up childhoods don’t make it easy to be the parent you think you should be. I do think you need to have an outlet for your feelings about your mother. Just saying things out loud can be incredibly freeing. And so can forgiveness.
    I’ve thought about blogging about my mother too…many times, but she’s still living and I don’t want to hurt her, but there are so many negative feelings there that I know need to get out. My dad is gone, and sometimes I speak of him, write about him, and it’s not always positive, but it’s the truth. Stand strong in your truth. It’s yours to tell.
    Be strong, my friend, and know we all make mistakes, but how we deal with them and learn from them is what makes us better people, mothers. And while we’ve never met in this life, I can see your heart from here and know how kind and loving it truly is.
    Love to you!!!

     

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