25 Jun

It’s been a very tough year for me. For my family. For my friends.  I feel as if I’m watching someone’s life from outside a window.  Removed, if you will.

The year kicked off with my baby sister being in a terrible car accident.  Her tire blew out, sending her SUV into a roll, and she was thrown from the sunroof.  I haven’t spoken of this on here, simply because I never felt strong enough to put it into words.  The grief, the struggle, the absolute desperation that watching her battles evoked in me was indescribable.  For much of my life, I’ve had horrific nightmare of losing her in a car accident, so to watch her endure the many surgeries, rehabilitation and just flat-out pain following the accident, it was like watching those dreams come to life.  Thankfully…she is MUCH stronger than I, and five months later, she is walking again and her life is slowly becoming normal again.  Every time I see her, I want to hold on as tight as I possibly can, to protect her from any further danger.  I know this isn’t feasible or realistic – but trust me, if I could, I would. I pray daily that she will never have to suffer through anything even remotely as painful again in her life.

Just when I felt like I was getting back on my feet emotionally, a few weeks ago, a dear friend of ours was in a car wreck with his teenage son.  They were sent into a spin, and hit a tree on his son’s side of the vehicle. Our friend walked away with a few stitches and bruises, and for the first few days, his son’s condition, although very, very critical, seemed to be stable.  Then he suffered a massive stroke, and the tragic turn continued from there.  My friends had to do the unthinkable and let their son leave this world. Losing someone you love is an indescribable pain, but the grief they must have felt in having to bury their child  – well, I don’t think there are any words for that.

These tragic accidents have put a fear in me.  A fear that freezes your feet in place and makes you long to lock your loved ones within your home’s four walls, so that nothing bad can ever touch them.  I haven’t suffered panic attacks in almost a decade, but there have been multiple times in the past few months where I’ve felt the dreaded tightening in my chest, shakiness in my hands, clenching in my lungs start to occur again.  I’ve shed more tears in 2011 than I have in my entire life.  And yet, with all this emotional outpouring, I still feel as if I’m outside that window…removed.


Posted by on June 25, 2011 in Uncategorized


10 responses to “Removed

  1. fuzzycricket

    June 25, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    Jess, I wish I had all the perfect words to comfort you, to comfort your loved ones. All I have are virtual hugs and prayers. There are so many things to fear in our lives, but mostly I think we just fear for those we love. Loving someone is not for wimps and you love with your entire soul. Which is wonderful for those you love and downright hard on you. But I admire you and I am thinking of you, shedding a few tears for you.

    • Jessica

      June 28, 2011 at 7:36 pm

      Thanks, Rach. Just being able to finally voice these feelings through the written word did a lot to help me feel better. But, one can never have too many hugs or prayers…thank you:)

  2. DAD

    June 25, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    Jessica, I had the same feelings when your mother died. I can tell you now know why I try to do things for you and your sister to make life easier. But you will find like I did that one grows strong and flies like a butterfly only when you remove the protective covering and nuture them into strong individuals. I am very proud of the person you have become and hope you guide and nuture your children from within and not outside the window. Trust me, it is a lot more fun. Love tell the end of time. DAD

    • Jessica

      June 28, 2011 at 7:38 pm

      Dad: Yay!! Your first comment on my blog. Now that you know how, you can always pitch in your two cents, lol. You’re right, as a mother, I definitely now do understand many of your actions in ways that I never could before. I’m lucky….very, very lucky…to have such an exceptional father. You’ve always been, and will always continue to be, not only my dad, but my very best friend and cheerleader as well. Thank you! Love, Jekka

  3. Jenny

    June 26, 2011 at 7:27 am

    I’m so sorry, Jessica. I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you. I am saying a prayer for you and for your family.

    • Jessica

      June 28, 2011 at 7:39 pm

      Jenny: Thank you so much for your kind words. I have been horribly neglect in posting comments on your blog lately – but be certain that I DO always read your posts…and they always make me smile:) Thank you for that!

  4. Cyndi

    June 26, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Jess, I am so sorry for your struggles this year, as well as your sister’s and your friend’s. My sister and I are very close and I would be panicked too at the thought of losing her. And losing a child…where that is just the biggest nightmare of them all. I totally get the feeling of being removed while at the same time overwhelmed with emotions. When life slams us hard like this it is just difficult to wrap our brains around all of the suffering, how little we can do about it, and our own fears for what else could happen at any moment. And then we still have to go on doing everyday mundane things on top of all that! It’s too much and feels surreal. I hope you are taking care of yourself and know that your friends and family are here for you. {{{HUGS}}}

    • Jessica

      June 28, 2011 at 7:41 pm

      Cyndi: You hit the nail on the head that it seems “surreal” and almost wrong to go about life’s little normal things when there’s so much suffering and so many tragedies occuring around us all. I’m trying to find joy in the fact that myself, and my sister (thank GOD!), are here to even worry about the little things. Some days are just better than others:) Thanks for the hugs!

  5. Rita

    June 28, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    Oh Jessica, I’m so sorry! What a horrible year. And I think I would react *exactly* the same – overprotective and removed.

    I hope you (and your sister and friends) find healing.

    • Jessica

      June 29, 2011 at 1:19 pm

      Thank you for the kind words, Rita. I’m sorry I’m so behind on commenting on your posts as well! I love reading about your family’s adventures & can’t believe how big your little girl has gotten simply since the last time I clicked on your page, lol. [No pun intended:)]


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