Polaroids

I recall when the kids were mere babies and we were dealing with two children still on formula and in diapers.  I was working full time during the day, and Darrell was staying home with the kids.  I loved that he got to spend that time with them, but as soon as our days crossed paths, he was off to work to bartend.  He would get home between four and five in the morning usually.  Jalyn would often wake up when he got home, so he would spend a little time with her, snapping Polaroids of her early hour exploits, which he would place for me to find when I started my day, complete with a little caption written at the bottom.   He would continue to do the same throughout the day, documenting by Polaroid (pre-digital camera days) the things I was missing.   It was a blurry, dazed portion of my life, that sadly, I wish I had treasured more while I was living it. 

Now our days consist of yet more early mornings, rushing to get out of  the house and to school/work on time.  The same as all families, I guess.  Short evenings of dinner, baths, homework, bedtime stories and the occasional school events and sporting practices.  It’s a catch-22 really, because even if I didn’t work full time, I still wouldn’t be able to be with the kids during the day since they are at school.  But how I miss seeing their day to day lives.   Those silly moments.  Those tender moments.  I sure miss those Polaroids.

And although these aren’t the actual photos that Darrell would leave for me to find, they are pictures from the same time period, and they never fail to bring a nostalgic little tear to my eye, and remind me of how very far we’ve come.

(P.S. Sorry about the big, huge space at the end of this post…I couldn’t figure out why it was doing that!!)

 

Four Cups & Counting….

Last night, on the way home from a much dreaded trip to Wal-Mart, I made the comment to Hubs that I was so extremely excited to not have to set the alarm for this morning.  What’s that old expression…..something about straight out of the horse’s mouth?  So of course, I woke up at 6:30 on the dot.  But oddly enough, I woke up with a smile on my face and ready to face the day.  I even got out of bed, started the coffee and am now consuming my third cup.  

The kids woke up shortly after me, being all jacked up about some type of thing called Halloween, but I’ve still had time to peruse Facebook, read through a portion of my blogroll , so I’m trying to get caught up on my commenting there.  I should be cleaning house– it’s a DISASTER after the hell of the last week, but, uh, whatever.  I’ll get to it eventually.  Today is going to consist of soccer (have I mentioned how much I adore seeing my little man total ly rock that soccer field???).    He asks me after every game, “Mom! Did you see me hustle???!”.  I sure did, baby….I sure did. 

Sister Bear’s class sang at a school assembly, accompanied by her teacher on guitar, which I thought was really cool.  Can you “Where’s Waldo?” my daughter?

 Sometimes I miss certain aspects of my life before children, but then they say something funny, or they ask me how my day was at work, or snuggle me when I cry.  And that’s when I remember why I’m here.  For moments like these.

And in closing to my ramblings and postings of un-edited photos (because, really, who edits a photo before at least their fifth cup of coffee??),  Happy Halloween to all my sweet friends from The Hall House!  

And yes, I realize this is quite possibly the most rambling, random post I’ve ever written–but what the hell….it’s Halloween!

Happy Halloween and Love to all!!

Lachrymal

***Disclaimer:  This is not a post for those who are faint of heart, or have a problem with foul language***

I wrote this post about two and half years ago, near the anniversary of the death of my life-long best friend.  I’m feeling the need to repost it, get it out there into the big unknown, in the hopes that maybe it will make it into the arms of someone who needs to see it.  I feel myself lately slipping into parts of my former self, a place that Ben was such a part of, and I can only wonder if I will ever heal.  I’ve been reconnecting recently with old friends on facebook that also knew Ben (most of my current friends never had the chance to meet him), and although it’s nice getting to talk to those who did know him, it’s also very painful.  A friend posted a video of him and the jolt I got upon hearing his voice  shocked the hell out of me.  His voice will never change.  Ever. And that still trips me out.  The ten year anniversary is in a few months, and it amazes me that although I thought life would never go on… it has. 

 lachrymal. a small, narrow-necked vase found in ancient Roman tombs, formerly thought to have been used to catch and keep the tears of bereaved friends.

Yesterday marked the 7th anniversary of my best friend Ben’s death.  I find it so odd that when a tragedy occurs that totally shakes your world, you feel as if life will never continue…that you will never be able to lift your head again.. and then suddenly, you realize that it has.  While you weren’t even paying attention, your life has gmoved forward. And then it hit me, almost as if I had never even thought of it before…Ben’s life will never go on.  He will never head bang to Evanescence with me, he will never prance around the living room singing songs from RENT, he will never talk in a British accent for days after watching Coupling.  All things that I know would occur if he was still here. If he hadn’t taken a fucking shotgun to his temple.

As you can tell, the anger is still seriously there.  The selfishness of suicide continues to amaze me.. the repercussions live on forever .  Although Ben got to end his misery, every one who loved him will feel it for the rest of their lives. As Junior so succinctly puts it, Ben’s death fucked me up.

I must admit, I’ve been doing really well lately.  I try to remind myself that he is at peace and muck happier now.  I try to remind myself that the medications he was on helped push him to his breaking point–that he NEVER would have done this in a normal state of mind.  I try to remind myself that his grief over his mother’s death was something he would have never fully recovered from.  I try to remind myself that it doesn’t matter that someone nearby saw him laying on his mother’s grave, sobbing his heart out, desperately digging at the earth..trying to get to her, trying to bring her back.  I try to tell myself that even if someone had gotten there in time, they couldn’t have saved him.  Many months of therapy finally taught me that we could have saved him this time, maybe the next time, and maybe another after that… but Ben wanted to kill himself.  He was going to eventually succeed no matter what those who loved him did.

But what always breaks me down and swamps me with grief is this— the last time he called me, I didn’t answer the phone.

There, I’ve said it outloud.. and gotten it out of me.  He called on a Wednesday night, the night we always went out to Angles to the drag show.  I knew what he wanted, and I had a huge school project I was working on. I knew that if I answered the phone, he would talk me into going (hey–that’s just how Ben was- he could talk you into ANYTHING!) .  So I didn’t answer.  Little did I know that would be the last chance I would ever get.  I never had my chance to say goodbye—that is what breaks my heart.  The unfinished business – the hugs I didn’t get to give.  The I love you’s I didn’t get to say.  13 years of friendship.. and nothing.  You know what I call that??? Bullshit.  And if you wanted me to sing for you, you certainly didn’t have to leave that request in a suicide note. I would have sang with you, for you, to you, anytime, anywhere, for as long as you would let me.  I would hold your hand and do everything I could to take away even just an ounce of your pain…if only you had let me.  How did the song go?  “If I had only known, it was our last walk in the rain, I’d keep you out for hours in the storm”.  Next time I see you— we’re going to go for a dance in the rain, I promise.

I love you, Ben, and I will never forget the wonderful times we had.  And maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll reach a point where I don’t still feel so much anger. I bet you and your mom are chillin’ on the clouds, kickin’ back to Aerosmith and Seinfeld.  Smoke one for me, baby. 

**This photo was taken about six weeks before Ben died. We were out celebrating his 22nd birthday.***

That Crazy Thing Called Life

Life has been quite crazy lately.  So crazy in fact, that I’m severely behind on my reading and commenting of blogs. I just hate that!  I can let my email inbox pile up, my facebook friends to fend for themselves, and dishes in the sink…but once my blogroll gets out of hand, Jessica gets cranky!  I have tons of posts that I could write about various things that have been going on, but for the sake of time (which I seem to have so little of these days), I thought I’d just do a general overview of what’s been going down at the Hall House.

*  Last weekend, two of my best peeps and I went and saw U2.  Abso-freakin-lutely amazing!  I have no words for how spectacular this show was, except to say that if you get the chance to see them live– DO IT!! Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.  Go.To.The.Show. 

* I’ve been busy at work before.  In fact, working in a fast-paced legal environment, I’m usually busy.  But the past few weeks (and apparently the upcoming months will be so as well), I’ve been absolutely balls-to-the-wall just as soon as I hit the door.  I was two hours late on Monday (see first entry about U2 show, LOL.  I woke up, and it was sunny out– never a good sign.  Guess it wasn’t a smart idea to change the alarm tone on my phone).  Anyways, I was super late,  and even with missing those hours on Monday, I already have five hours of accumulated.  Today, I didn’t even have time to eat lunch.  Thankfully I had the foresight to pack a bag of pretzels this morning, and I nibbled on them throughout the day to keep my energy up, but I never did get to consume a meal of any kind.  My ass is hungry!!  (Well, technically, my stomach, I suppose.)  I won’t bore you with all the details, but suffice to say that I’m almost to the point where I’m going to have to ask for help.  Truly, there is only so much that one person can do!  But enough whining about that….

*   It’s getting to be sweatshirt weather!! Have I mentioned how much I adore sweatshirts? They have to fit just right, but they are definitely my clothing item of choice in the fall/winter.  I told you I was a fashion icon! HA!

*  Tomorrow night is the annual book sale at one of our local libraries.  Although it’s not nearly as big as the OKC Metro Library sale that is held in February, it’s still pretty good sized, and I often find lots of great deals there. I didn’t get to attend last year, so it’s on like Donkey Kong tomorrow!  After the week I’ve had, I’m super ready to slip into my role of bookwhore for an evening.  It’s also a great place to pick up some early Christmas gifts, which I’ve been trying to do this year.  I’m determined to not be so last minute this year, but then, I say that every year:)

*  My parents traveled up to OKC to watch J-Bo play in his soccer game last week.  And we won! Go Torandoes!! Jaxen even made two goals, so of course, I was just bursting with pride that my folks were there to see it.   Another set of grandparents are coming to the game this upcoming Saturday, but I’m not saying a word to the kiddos- just going to let them be surprised.  They’ll love it!

*  My hubby is back to work!!  He went for a twelve week follow up visit last Wednesday, and the dr. told him that he wouldn’t be released for another three weeks.  But this Monday, he got a call to come in on Wednesday, that they had a job he could do that didn’t require lots of physical movement.  So he’s bored to tears, lol, doing a tedious, repetitive job all day…but HE’S BACK!  Woot woot!!  Let me tell ya what will test your marriage—when one of you has to get up early and one doesn’t.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I can be a Bitter Betty– and I was.  I’m a huge advocate of routine, and I’m so thankful that our life is returning to some form of normalcy.

 *  Jalyn’s class is singing tomorrow morning at a school assembly, and thankfully, I have gotten permission to arrive late at work so that I can go watch.  Her first performance– and one of many to come, if she follows in her mommy’s footsteps:)

It always astounds me when I feel so completely overwhelmed and busy with life, and then I try to lay out exactly what I’ve been doing — and it never looks like much.  Funny how life can take up so much time:)  I hope things are going well for you too!!

It’s My Lucky Day!!

A few months ago, I googled “oklahoma blogs” in the hopes of running across some fellow bloggers from this great state of mine.  After stumbling around for a bit, I encountered a page called Me & My Shortloffs.

Intrigued by the cute design of the page, and the insanely funny writing of Rita, I added her page to my blogroll and religiously began following the adventures of The Shortloffs.   Somehow, she finds the time to post just about every day, and not one time have I been disappointed by her entries.  They are always wonderful!  Last week, in an effort to pare down some of her belongings, she decided to host a giveway  featuring a super cute jacket that she had only worn one time.  All the reader had to do to enter was leave a comment about why they deserved to win the adorable jacket.  And whaddya know??? I WON!!!!!!!!!! 

Things have been a little rocky for me lately, and Monday was pretty crappy, even for a Monday.  But when I saw on Rita’s page that her dear son William had chosen my number as the winner— things began to drastically look up!  Click HERE for the cuteness.   Since we’re both in OKC, shipping didn’t take long at all, and I received my beautiful new Coat of Many Colors today. 

Check out the beautiful packaging and note that were waiting for me!

How lovely is that!!! I’m sure you all admired the jacket when you clicked on the link to Rita’s page (hint, hint:)  So I’m going to wait until I’m looking cutesified and sassy to post a photo of me in the CoMc.  It just doesn’t work as well with pj pants and slippers:)

A huge THANK YOU, Rita!!  I’m so glad that I found  you & your Shortloffs in this huge blogosphere.  This is going to be one stylin’ soccer mom!

Home is Where the Heart Is

I’m not a big movie watcher.  We never go to the theatre.  For one, it costs too much, and secondly, if we’re getting out of the house, it’s really the last thing I think of to go do.  Many of my friends are avid movie-goers and are always asking if I’ve seen such and such.  Inevitably, I reply, “No, but I may buy it when it comes out on DVD”.   I usually know what I’m going to like and whether or not I’m ever going to want to re-watch it, so for the price of $20 or so, I can just automatically purchase it, and save the $30 or so more dollars it would have cost for us to go to the theatre.  (We can’t go to the theatre and NOT get snacks!! )  Movies also make great wishlist items for Christmas as well…since they aren’t something I usually buy for myself.   I’m a member of Netflix, but we’ve had the same two movies sitting on our entertainment center for probably three months now….just haven’t taken the time to watch them.  I have a hard time sitting still long enough to see an entire movie—which is odd considering I will lay down and read for hours on end, LOL.  I guess we all have our vices:)  All that being said… I was thinking today about what is that one thing that makes me watch certain movies over and over and over…yet never give new ones a chance. 

Here are the four movies that immediately spring to my mind when I think of watching a movie:

1.  The Family Stone

2.  Father of the Bride (Parts I and II)

3.  You’ve Got Mail

4.  Under the Tuscan Sun

When I really thought about what tied these movies together, I came up with one, very important common denominator:  they all  feature prominently homes that I would love to call my own. 

 The Family Stone takes place in an amazing white Victorian home set in the country.  You can just feel the warmth and love exuding from the house, and the close knit family as well.  The fact that this movie is centered around the Christmas holiday certainly doesn’t hurt:)

Father of the Bride (I and II) also take place in a stunning, two story house, and the house is even central the plot of the second movie.  The house is not just  a backdrop…it IS the movie.

You’ve Got Mail – who hasn’t lusted after living in Meg Ryan’s NYC brownstone??  (And I’m not even going to bring up her bookstore.  Oh. My. God. Her. Bookstore!!)

And last, but most certainly not least, Bramasole in Under the Tuscan Sun.  An Italian villa in the Tuscan countryside.  Although I adore this movie, the house was just about the only thing in the movie that was true to the book. 

Apparently, I have house-lust issues that I need to deal with:)  Am I the only person who has this problem? That apparently subconsciously gravitates towards movies based on how much you like the houses featured in them?

I’m Diggin’ It!

On this cold, rainy night full of lightening and thunder, I thought it would be fun to just write a little post about the things I’ve been diggin’ lately.  Hopefully, you will share yours with me as well!  So here we go….in no particular order, of course:

 Lovespell lotion from Victoria’s Secret.  I fluctuate betweeen what scents I use, depending on my mood. Right now I’m stuck on Lovespell.  It’s clean, grapefruity scent is absolute perfection!

DarkFever by Karen Marie Moning.  I’m always looking for great reads, so a BIG thank you goes out to Fuzzy Cricket  for opening my eyes to this series. I’m about halfway thru the first one, and loving it!

My Halloween coffee mug. I was feeling lazy and stole these pics from google, but the mug in the back of this photo looks a lot like mine.

Tabasco.  I’ve always liked spicy foods and sauces, but lately, my fixation is on Tabasco.  It just really hits the spot during this fall weather, I guess.  Darrell had to go buy a new bottle cause I finished up our old one… oops!

Of course, it goes without saying that I’m also diggin’ my kids and their witty personalities and my husband and his amazing back rubs:)

What’s floating your boat these days?

The Unthinkable

When did I become such a girl??

Let me provide you with a little background information so that this will make sense.  I’ve never been the most emotional of the female species.  It takes quite a bit for me to cry, and I don’t tend to analyze things.  I usually take what someone says to me at face value.  I don’t like to “talk” about things.  I prefer to pull the covers over my head (both literally and figuratively) than deal with an issue.  There are instances in which I get jealous, and/or my feelings get hurt, but those occurences are few and far between.  I may have been ultra-sensitive at some points in my life, but I can’t recall being so in recent years. 

Now that all that has been explained…it might make more sense to you when I say that for many years I’ve joked that my husband and I are reversed in our personalities–that he is the girl and I’m the man in our relationship.

But recently, something has happened that has made these traits  switch.  And now I suddenly have a  better understanding of where he’ s been coming from all these years when he complains that he doesn’t “feel close” to me, or that we don’t “make love” often enough, or that we never “talk”?  And damn it, I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling all weepy and doubtful and insecure and alone and needy and…well….for lack of a better word…girlie.

Where did Jessica go??? I want her back.  She would totally kick this Jessica’s ass.

Autumn Goodness

Fall has officially rolled in to our state! But being Oklahoma, this rainy overcastness, with a slight chill in the air, likely won’t stay long. It will probably be in the 90s by the end of the week.  But for now, at least, I’m basking in the feeling of autumn in the air! Today was a perfect fall day.  My husband woke up at the crack of dawn, so he decided to load up the kids and hit the grocery store to make a delicious breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast & gravy.  Of course that meant that I got to sleep in!!  On my new bedding!  Ahhhh….it was pure heaven.  I posted a picture yesterday on Facebook of the new bed set, but here’s a picture as well for those that may not follow me there. 

 I stumbled across this beautiful set (after MONTHS of looking for the perfect one) at Target last night.  What made it even sweeter was that it was on sale for a mere $39.98!!  I went ahead and splurged on some new sheets as well, and a soft, snuggle cover for our body pillow so that it would match the new bed set.  Grand total of $70, which is still less than I would have normally spent on the comforter alone.  I’m working on a redecoration of our bedroom (can it really be called REdecorating when it’s never truly been decorated to begin with?? Hmm….), and my goal is to do the whole room for under $100.  I think I’m going to be able to do it! That won’t include painting of course, but we’re still holding off on that portion of the house renovating.

Friday night, the man and I drove to a casino about two hours away to see Jason Aldean in concert. I’m sure you all recall how much I love Jason, since I’ve blogged about it endlessly on here:)  The show, of course, was fantastic–and it was just so darn good to get to spend some adult time together.  My best friend and kids’ godmother, Heather, stayed the night here at the house with the kiddos.  Yesterday we all slept in, then finally hauled ourselves off the couch to go to our favorite Mexican restaurant. It was a tough day.:)

Just when I thought the weekend couldn’t get any better, we awoke to a rainy morning today. I absolutely love rain (except when I have to get ready for work and get out in it, LOL).  After consuming the aforementioned breakfast (doesn’t food always taste better when it’s made by your husband??), the day has consisted of finishing putting out Halloween decorations, reading, napping and making the first batch of hot apple cider of the season.  I even made a big batch of Cowboy Soup, super easy and amazingly yummy, with cornbread on the side.  To celebrate the occassion of fall food, I even busted out my favorite snowmen bowls.  I collect snowmen and put them out for the season immediately after Halloween.  Last year, I didn’t even take them down till around March:)

In short, I suppose what I’m trying to say is that this weekend totally rocked! I hope everyone else had a great one as well:)

Unease

I’ve been feeling very insecure lately.  A series of little actions, unspoken words, and restless nights have all contributed to this unease.  As I sit down to write about these feelings, which are just aching to get out, I find myself at a loss for words.  Almost a fear of putting them on paper for worry of them being misinterpreted.  In the past, I was an avid poetry writer (note I did not say good poetry writer, just avid).  It’s been years since I’ve written, but tonight, I find myself thinking of two specific pieces that I wrote that seem to epitomize all I need to say.  So in a spirit of release, in the hopes that it will make me feel better to toss these negative thoughts into the big blogosphere (and in the desperate hope that they do not return to me), here are my thoughts circa 1998.  Funny how timeless feelings can be.

“the presence”

the emptiness of the room envelops me
fills my soul, engulfs my mind
swallows my heart, my feelings
filling me with an alien presence
unlike anything before
restlessness
born of nothing, no definite reason
no explanation
it’s simple presence says more than words
a sly uneasiness creeping into my being
filling me emptying me destroying me healing me
with its abnormal presence.

“Lava”

a never-ending fear of being alone
being second best
not being the fantasy, the one,
the ultimate
builds inside me
the pressure building to a climactic peak
flowing like hot lava inside me
eating me
consuming me
with the need to end, the need to fail,
the need to walk
walk walk walk
ever further away
each step ensuring my first place
my sensuality
my greatness
my aloneness
forever the ultimate.